She Kept Chasing
by Leslie Shalduha
Granny Mable wandered her whole life
by Cadillac or Greyhound
from the hollers of West Virginia
to the inner cities of California
from the humidity of Alabama
to the foothills of Reno
She kept chasing....we know not what
Mama sought stability
a mother of three alone
by chasing affordable rent
From that creaky old Victorian house in Malta
to the Halcyon house by the graveyard
From the split Victorian house on 10th St.
to the brick parsonage that felt fancy
She keeps chasing......we know not what
Auntie D settles only
when the breeze rests
From the white sandy beaches of Key West
to the mountains of Washington
From reading palms on Venice Beach
to flipping houses in Texas
she keeps chasing.....we know not what
I am the unreliable narrator
of my own life
who cannot be trusted
to follow a straight path
My credibility solid
as thermal ground
thin crust ready to shatter
with so much as a step
I wonder tho
should blame rest
at mine own feet
Four generations, at least,
of matrilineal trauma borne
it's in my blood
coursing with the need to
flow freely
it's in my marrow
pulsating with the need to
escape captivity
it's in my muscle
taut with the need to
fly, fly, fly away
From conception in the foothills of Pikes Peak
to birth in the state for lovers
From cuddling a bunny in a foreign country
to walking with tumbleweeds as a little girl
From coming of age in a river valley
to boot camp in Orlando
I returned to the beginning and
unknowingly chose the very same apartments
from which my life began
in the foothills of Pikes Peak
Four years I stayed
before the breeze carried me
to the pacific northwest
Four years more I stayed
before the winds of change whisked me
back to my Appalachian roots
seven years, the wind lie still
Time enough to create my love girl
the daughter I always knew would come
Then wings of love bore me
back to the pacific northwest
eleven years, the wind lie still
before disaster struck
turbulent winds flinging me
From the heart of the valley
To the farthest reaches of Oregon
Four years again I stayed
before fear of a lawless nation
triggered my restless soul
and the winds of fate carried
me and my girl
to lands far, far away
With no sign of earth in my chart
there is no celestial mandate
to sit still
to stay put
and yet
I am an herbalist
As if that calling came to
balance the contradictions
given me at birth
As if the stars said
"Bind her with an earthly calling,
elsewise she will not know the
beauty of stillness."
After a year of unrest
I have a mind to commit
To the home and stability
that has bedevilled me so
perhaps this the thing that
those that came before were chasing
perhaps it is up to me to heal the
afore mentioned generational trauma
perhaps it is for my daughter
the healing
in me she recognizes the chase
in her I recognize the will to heal
I keep chasing.......I now know what